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The Sun-Beaten Puddle
[anosmically defunct]
Sometimes I wonder 
22nd-Sep-2013 08:37 pm
My Mouser
...why I bother continuing.

30 < overweight, no children, barely any sex unless I beg for it, no career I want any part of, no real honest-to-god friends to talk to daily and an unemployed husband.

I swear to god, the worst part is no baby at 30.  I always wanted 7 kids and to not be able to get pregnant at 30 is like "Kill yourself, you're a biological failure."


The one good thing I ever did since I was in my 20s was to get away from that no-good, scumbag of an ex of mine.  Jesus I would have already committed suicide if I had to be with that loser/liar/cheater/asshole/fuck/cumbag for the rest of my life.
1st-Oct-2013 01:40 pm (UTC)

The clear solution is to kidnap a pregnant woman and cut the baby out of her and raise it as your own
lol NSA watchlist now for sure

You are not a failure.

All of the points you raised are manageable. (It is awesome and horrible to hear that, I know. When my mum says it to me, I feel, "Die, bitch, wtf do you know," and "Omg you really think it's possible to deal with this <3 <3 <3, thank you for believing in me.")

Pick one item on your list, come up with 5-10 ways to start working on it.

"Infertility" - do you need to see a gynecologist? Are you wicked stressed out or unhappy? Are you sure the problem is you? (Maybe your husband has a low sperm count). Why do you want children -- are you looking for the unconditional love that we all think children will give us? Does it need to be 7 children (could you be happy with 3 or 4?)? Will having children magically make your life better (I mean, will it make your husband find a job, will it improve your sex life, will it increase the number of your friends --- not just other mommies and playgroups, but friends?)? Based on your current feelings of happiness, financial/life success - would you bring a child into your life-as-it-is tomorrow??

Back to "pick one item on your list, come up with 5-10 ways to start working on it" - maybe this exercise can help define clearer goals. (For example -- no sex, and husband has no job: is this the same issue viewed from different angles? Does your marriage need some TLC? Book recommendation: This Old Spouse, by Sharyn Wolf.) (Mainly just because I love that book.)

Look at all that unasked-for advice and warm love. Suck it up. (In a "Dammit, I skinned my knee" kind of way, not in a "That was so spiritually fulfilling" kind of way.)

Then if you're still on twitter, friend me, bitch: tavmck

Have a magical day <3

And look at that damn tattoo on your wrist.
1st-Oct-2013 02:10 pm (UTC)
Lol, I love you too. Sometimes I just get down and I don't do like the entire fucking world does and Facebook about it but I still have to vent; I honestly forgot that I wrote this. My LJ is the place where unfortunately I vent. I say unfortunately only because I don't also post my happy posts or updates. I need to fix that.

I am eating better and I have a fun "365 Days of Fitness" Project I am building up.

I have been not-quite-official diagnosed with hypersexuality, which apparently is inhereted (gross, didn't want to know that about me mum: btw, this is private lol) so that explains why I feel as though I am not getting enough. Basically I am a nympho, just short of needed the Sexaholic Classes. I've spoken with Tony and we've worked out a few things, though we both believe he has low testosterone and will be seeing a doctor in the next month.

I don't need 7, not anymore. I would be happy with 1 or 2. I have always longed for a large family. It's not for unconditional love, to have another person to love and struggle with and see grow and to have in my life that I can help shape (to a certain extent) their future and try my hardest to help them achieve their goals. I am not unrealistic about children (and I fear the hormonal years) and my realism has helped me decide that it is what I want.

You're absolutely right that everything I've mentioned is managable. And it's amazing when we're in this FUNK how we can only see the bad. Look up Nymph Du Pave on Amazon or B&N. On B&N my story 'Taking Maggie' is flying. I should be so high about this, but instead I curl up into a ball and fear the downfall because of everything NEGATIVE that has happened in my life in the last 6 or 7 years.

Like you said, this is managable. I am plotting out the next story (of three) and planning to take this to the next level.

But I am going to do what you said as well. Write down all the negatives and list 5 to 10 things (maybe even baby steps) that I can do to make things better.

Thanks :)
1st-Oct-2013 03:12 pm (UTC)
lol facebook. LJ is good; I think I need to start posting here again as well.

Hypersexuality - does masturbation cut it, or will only partnered sex be satisfactory? Also ... will overstep my bounds again: with any addiction, there is always an emotional component. Like, heroin, alcohol, and even sex -- it's not just the chemical/physical response, but doing these things also fulfills a person emotionally somehow. Saying "I just need to cut out alcohol," or "I will only have sex twice a week" does not address the emotional (/psychological) aspect of addiction. So, the physical/chemical part might be 'fixed,' but the underlying emotional/psychological part still needs work.

I'm sorry if that came across as a lecture, horribly condescending, or just off topic. I am working on overcoming an addiction myself, and understanding the whole difference between physical response vs. emotional fulfillment was a big hurdle.

Re: 5-10 things --- I usually break this down even further for myself because I need them to be baby steps. Like ... I think an original problem I had was being disorganized / unstructured while at home. Solution: create a schedule for myself. I had to break it way, way down; for example, my morning routine became ultra-choreographed.

Not like "Eat, shower, get dressed, brush teeth and leave," but like ... map out every action. Shower:

Shampoo hair, let it sit.
Use soap to wash myself
Rinse shampoo, use conditioner, let it sit
Scrub myself to death with exfoliant
Rinse & done.
Clean drain and pull curtain closed

I felt completely neurotic lol. BUT now I have a whole bunch of set routines that don't take much thought for me to carry through.

So that is an example that worked and was easy to explain; a bigger problem that I'm working on (like "ugh school") would take longer and I have to run --


Thanks for responding to my first comment
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