Marriage is fucking hard, man. I mean you're always aware that it's going to be difficult, but the fights, pfft, those aren't shit. The being disappointed in someone because of what they're choosing but realizing that you cannot control that person and being married to them does not make you responsible for their actions and visa versa? Pfft, easy peasy.
It's the sudden realization that your dreams have suddenly begun to change and clash. Well, YOUR dreams, they're constant. The path changes, sure, but the end goal has pretty much been wicked solid. But the person you're in love with, still head over heals for? They're changing. Daily and consistently. Like, that headstrong conviction and strength of personality you've been hoping for? Oh, it's there now, but you're goals are so different... His belief in you is starting to wain and, let's be honest, you can't blame him. YOU have a hard enough time believing in yourself. How can you maintain HIS belief too? You can't any more than you can turn back time and promise him you'll try better this time.
So he's making a life for himself, becoming someone important to the community and that's great, sure, but it's just about the worst place in fucking redneck world. His friends, they're good people and all but you can't connect. And the fact that he can creates this distance between you. Suddenly he resents the fact that you don't "get" his fucking friends and he's stopped understanding you so well. You don't know what to talk about, so you bury yourself in your work, Netflix and obsessions like drawing and nail polish. What the fuck are you supposed to do? Sex is almost non-existant and it doesn't matter how many times you mention it, it doesn't get fixed.
Your world is a thousand miles away from his, but he's still your hero, your dream, your true love. The fucking Westley to your Buttercup but what are you supposed to do? You cannot wait to leave, think about it three thousand times a day and he's really liking the place you're both in physically.
I cannot imagine my life without him.... He says he'll go anywhere with me but he's broken promises before. To stop smoking (going on a six year lie now) is the biggest one. I am sure that when it comes down to it it's either stay in this horrible racist, ignorant, hick, fuck-your-cousin place where I feel myself sinking into oblivion day by day just to be with him or leave and face the world on my own. And I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do either. I need people to connect with that aren't on the fucking internet. If I cannot have my family I need a friend here and there.
God damn it man. I don't know what to do.