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The Sun-Beaten Puddle
[anosmically defunct]
Argh... 
1st-Jul-2012 11:58 pm
dreams - future
Marriage is fucking hard, man.  I mean you're always aware that it's going to be difficult, but the fights, pfft, those aren't shit.  The being disappointed in someone because of what they're choosing but realizing that you cannot control that person and being married to them does not make you responsible for their actions and visa versa?  Pfft, easy peasy.

It's the sudden realization that your dreams have suddenly begun to change and clash.  Well, YOUR dreams, they're constant.  The path changes, sure, but the end goal has pretty much been wicked solid.  But the person you're in love with, still head over heals for?  They're changing.  Daily and consistently.  Like, that headstrong conviction and strength of personality you've been hoping for?  Oh, it's there now, but you're goals are so different...  His belief in you is starting to wain and, let's be honest, you can't blame him.  YOU have a hard enough time believing in yourself.  How can you maintain HIS belief too?  You can't any more than you can turn back time and promise him you'll try better this time.

So he's making a life for himself, becoming someone important to the community and that's great, sure, but it's just about the worst place in fucking redneck world.  His friends, they're good people and all but you can't connect.  And the fact that he can creates this distance between you.  Suddenly he resents the fact that you don't "get" his fucking friends and he's stopped understanding you so well.  You don't know what to talk about, so you bury yourself in your work, Netflix and obsessions like drawing and nail polish.  What the fuck are you supposed to do?  Sex is almost non-existant and it doesn't matter how many times you mention it, it doesn't get fixed.

Your world is a thousand miles away from his, but he's still your hero, your dream, your true love.  The fucking Westley to your Buttercup but what are you supposed to do?  You cannot wait to leave, think about it three thousand times a day and he's really liking the place you're both in physically.

I cannot imagine my life without him....  He says he'll go anywhere with me but he's broken promises before.  To stop smoking (going on a six year lie now) is the biggest one.  I am sure that when it comes down to it it's either stay in this horrible racist, ignorant, hick, fuck-your-cousin place where I feel myself sinking into oblivion day by day just to be with him or leave and face the world on my own.  And I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do either.  I need people to connect with that aren't on the fucking internet.  If I cannot have my family I need a friend here and there.

God damn it man.  I don't know what to do.
Comments 
2nd-Jul-2012 08:50 am (UTC)
Shit. Reading your post just now made me have to double-take to make sure I wasn't reading my own old posts that I'd just purged out of my LJ. Sweetness, oh gods, I feel for you so much because I was there, hon. I was there in the trenches of these same godsawful feelings and very similar situations. It was a war, pure and simple, and now it seems like you're going through one that was similar. Marriage War II. Ugh.

It's the sudden realization that your dreams have suddenly begun to change and clash. Well, YOUR dreams, they're constant. The path changes, sure, but the end goal has pretty much been wicked solid. But the person you're in love with, still head over heals for? They're changing.

This. This very much. When I went back to college in 2005 after wasting 11 years of my life not going to school and not working while the now-ex worked and had all the social life, he encouraged me because he knew I was working toward a better future for us. I was always working toward a better future for us, but as I went along, I made friends that were mine and not ours even though I always included him with those friends if he wanted to come up for lunch or join me at school events. But when those friends, especially all the women he flirted with, weren't impressed by his charms (and were creeped out by them), he resented me for growing and changing away from him. When I decided that I wasn't going to stop at my BA an wanted my Masters away from the city we were living (and when he wanted to stay put there because his Mommy moved back down there to live), that was one of the pushes he had to decide he wanted to separate. He claimed that I had just changed too much for him and grown distant, and he didn't feel his goals were being given the consideration that he was giving mine (whenever I asked him what he wanted, he just shrugged and said, "I don't know. Out of this city where I can do something different." -- when he's still in the same city looped into old friends that he glommed onto once I moved away).

You don't know what to talk about, so you bury yourself in your work, Netflix and obsessions like drawing and nail polish. What the fuck are you supposed to do?

Yes. For me, it was that I was so tired of being the third wheel when my now-ex and I were anywhere with female friends that he flirted with more than me (and ignored me). I got so tired of competing for his attention and having to fight the bitchy other women who treated me like I was the intruder in my marriage that I just gave up and stopped caring. I focused on my obsessions, schoolwork and changing into something I wanted to be. This caused the now-ex to say, "You used to fight for me. You used to fight other women for my attention. You stopped and now I don't think you love me as much as I love you."

Sex is almost non-existant and it doesn't matter how many times you mention it, it doesn't get fixed.

*hugs* Oh gods. This one. Yes. That always seems to go, and when it's one of the things that probably could help, it falls by the wayside and becomes as broken as everything else. And then in being broken, it becomes a bigger problem to amplify all the other problems because you don't even have sex to ease off the tension. I won't go into details about that on my end, but suffice it to say that it was a HUGE problem that created at least twenty other problems on top of it.
2nd-Jul-2012 08:50 am (UTC)
Your world is a thousand miles away from his, but he's still your hero, your dream, your true love. The fucking Westley to your Buttercup but what are you supposed to do?

Would it help for me to say that you're not alone in this? I know it has to feel like you are. That no one else could possibly experience this pain and frustration and dilemma that you're going through, but hon, you're not alone. If I'm listening, then others are, too, and we're here for you to vent at about this so that you aren't bottling it up. This is the hardest part of a relationship reaching this separation point -- the love you still feel. The feeling of "this is the only person I'll ever love, so now I'll be alone forever." I said that a hundred times. I still say it occasionally (after three years) when I'm feeling particularly maudlin.

God damn it man. I don't know what to do.

Take several deep breaths. Scream into your pillow (I don't know what your neighbor situation is, so screaming might alarm them, so primal screaming into a pillow is something that's worked for me). Take several more deep breaths. Scream again. Take breaths. Then sit down and as hokey as it sounds, write up a list of Pros and Cons about staying and leaving. You're obviously miserable there (and by your description, it sounds like all shades of intellectual hell). It's fucking hard. I won't lie to you and say that it'll get better quickly like ripping off a bandaid. It's not. But eventually, you'll pick yourself up, lick your wounds and move toward it all being better. *hugs*
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